Breastfeeding=The Death of Me

Where do I start? I actually wrote an entirely too long post about every detail of my breastfeeding experience, but after re-reading it, I decided it was way too long, probably boring, and kind of depressing. So, I deleted the whole thing. To be honest, I kind of feel better now that I wrote it all out though. I feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders.
This time Ill just sum it up as best as I can and then if you have detailed questions, Id be happy to answer them. Also, I will obviously not have any pictures of me breastfeeding on here, so Ill just add a few cute pictures of the baby.

Oh, and if you are a guy, you might not need to read this.

OK, long story short. While we were still at the hospital, Jane was having a hard time latching on to eat. I'm not sure if I was doing anything wrong or not because for the first day I was there I didn't have any help. I asked for help the first time, but they sent in a NICU nurse who really didn't know what she was doing either. First mistake.
Second mistake was listening to the lactation consultant when she finally came to help me and using a nipple shield. Although Jane finally latched on with it, Ive heard horror stories about using them and to use them cautiously. Well, in my sleepy, new mom, delirious state, I continued to use it because she was finally eating and that's all that mattered to me at the point.

Fast forward to coming home. I continued to use the nipple shield for the entire first week. Why? Well, I was overwhelmed and to be honest, I didn't even think about it. It was just what I did. When I finally did think about it around week 2, I thought to myself that maybe I could just use this the entire time I breastfeed? It seemed to be working, Jane was gaining weight, and I didn't really see a problem?
Until a few weeks later. I realized that Jane was eating for way too long. I did research and also asked some new moms I know about how long their babies ate, and the average is about 20 minutes. Well, Jane was eating for a hour and sometimes longer.

As Mr. Hunt would say, she was just a slow eater. That's fine, but I'm thinking a slow eater would be like 40 minutes at most, now an hour and a half.
To make things worse, Jane would always seem like she wasn't done when I took her off. She was cranky, and seemed like she was always hungry.
I tried to pump after she ate to make sure I had milk, and I did, so I knew it wasn't that. The only thing it could be was the nipple shield. Maybe she wasn't getting enough out of it, and it was causing her to eat slower.
So the day came when I tried to get her to latch on again without the nipple shield. She latched on great, but the pain was excruciating. I cant even explain it to you. It was worse than labor. I almost felt like throwing the baby across the room just out of sheer pain. You know? Like a reflex when you are hurt, you want to get whatever it is hurting you off? Of course I would never really throw her, I just felt like that's what I had to do.

Something was wrong. There was no way that I would be able to do this another feeding, so I went back to the nipple shield. The only other thing I could think to do was to make sure that she was sucking and eating the entire time she was latched on. Sometimes she would just use me as a human paci and not really drink.

After a few more days, I realized this wasn't working. She was constantly hungry and clearly not getting enough. I was sitting with her for over an hour each time and then having to give her formula to top her off so that she wasn't hungry. Then just and hour and a half later it was already time to eat again. It was miserable.

So around 5 weeks old, I decided to do a day of just pumping and giving her the bottle just to see how much milk I had. Sure enough, I didn't have enough. Either way, she wasn't eating it all since I could pump after she ate and have milk. Anyway, after doing a day of pumping I decided that it wouldnt be a bad idea to just exclusively pump. Do people do that? I did some research and decided to give it a try.

Now that she is 7 weeks old and Ive been at it for two weeks, here's the verdict. It takes just the same amount of time pretty much. I have to pump every three hours and in order for me to pump enough I have to pump for about 45 minutes each time. Jane eats every 4 hours so our schedule is a little wonky which Ill talk about in another post.
I'm still trying to gain my milk supply and some days go by where I still don't have enough milk and have to give her formula. I'm slowly getting more and more. Once I get established, Ill be able to spread the pumping apart and also it shouldn't take 45 minutes each and every time. I'm looking forward to that day very much.

Why not just give her formula? That would be alot easier yes, but I really want the best for her, and to me that means breast milk. I'm willing to do the work for her. I already feel horrible about giving up breastfeeding, but I had to give myself a little slack. I couldn't enjoy Jane because all I could think about was the next time I had to feed her and how awful it was.

Maybe the next kid, Ill know what to expect and try again. For now, I'm going to exclusively pump. Jane is a totally different baby. She is full after every feeding and happy. She is gaining tons of weight and I feel good about my decision. Still I'm going to take it one day at a time. Thinking about pumping for an entire year is a little scary, but if the pumping spreads out and gets shorter, I may be able to do it. I'm also slowly freezing some for when we are out of town or she has a babysitter.

I know this post seems all over the place. Just know that I'm doing the best I can. This whole mommy thing is alot harder than I thought it would be, but its ALL worth it!

Love,
Mommy